2nd Rate Subway

Fuck Quizno's.

There I said it.

There is a Quizno's on the groundfloor of my office building, and it has a long-standing reputation for poor service. The first time I went in there the place was deserted. Four people, myself included. The other three were workers. They were seated at the table when I walked in, and they paid me no attention until I made it obvious I was ready to order. I did this first by coughing, then by clapping my hands together. After about 45 seconds of clapping at regular intervals, one of the workers decided it was time to get back to work.

Now, listen:

I loathe working just as much as the next person. If I had it my way, I would lay in bed watching faux-court shows with the most recent ex-football player who has decided to pick up a gavel. Unfortunately, things don't turn out that way. Even worse, you find yourself doing the work of detached and/or faceless people who possess amounts of money you will never see in your entire life.

That is how it is for me, and that is how it is for the workers at Quizno's because that is how 99.9999% of the population lives.

So, I order a sourdough bread bowl with broccoli and cheese soup. The woman informs me they are out of broccoli and cheese soup.

This should have been a sign.

I was really pissed because broccoli and cheese is the jam. Stuff is my shit.

Anyway, no broccoli and cheese. "Okay, I'll have the mushroom then. That doesn't have meat in it, does it?" The woman shakes her head. Multiple synapses fire in my brain, and I take that to mean that, no, the mushroom soup has no meat. I order the mushroom.

I get back to my office with a delicious smelling sourdough bread bowl and some mushroom soup. I was very excited. I turned the corner, and there it was...

My boss was sitting in the meeting room, ready to pounce. He looked like Shere Kahn. I reeked of fear. He apologized for the poor timing, and asked if I could go over a few things with him before I ate. He said it would only take two minutes.

Sure.

Twenty minutes later, I am poring over a Word document trying to rearrange some information into something discernible. I should have done this earlier in the day, and, so, I was frustrated with myself. I finish. I send. I begin my pre-meal rituals. Not two seconds later, my boss' voice rings out from down the hall.

Three seconds after that he is in my office giving me another thing to do before I ate. What we were doing was definitely time sensitive, but I like food.

This happened another time, and by then I was steaming. I have never worked with such determination and furvor. In minutes, I was finished, and with a full head of steam I tore into my Quizno's bag like a scavenger tearing into a freshly dead corpse.

Well...

There was meat in the mushroom soup.

I don't even remember getting on the elevator. All I remember was how my body tensed up when I saw those pieces of meat. That is how I know I'm angry.

"I would like you to throw this soup out for me."

Blank stares.

"I asked you if there was meat in this soup, and you said no. There is meat in this soup. I don't want my money back, I don't want something else, I want you to take this bag from me and throw out this soup."

The woman motioned to a trash bin. No words.

"Great. Do you mind throwing this soup in there?"

The oldest woman there came over to the register at this point. She had been watching the entire exchange.

"Do you want something else?"

"No," I said, "It would only taste like lies."

"I told you it did have meat in it," said the woman who made the initial mistake.

"I asked you if it had meat in it, and you shook your head no."

"So?"

I was incredulous.

"Look do you want something else?"

I was speechless.

Did I hear her wrong? Was all this my fault?

"Do you want something else?"

"Yeah, do you have any Tylenol?"

Another Guy

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"Morgolth and Dave" - Episode 1.5

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Only one episode remains until the series one finale of "Morgolth and Dave"!

MELVIN #7

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Friend Melvin on Facebook here.

RAPPIN' ABOUT...

Are you ready for some mid-Eighties nostalgia?!?

We here at "Ahhhh, Phooey!" know we are!

"Ahhhh, Phooey!" has acquired the exclusive syndication rights to one of the most popular pre-to-mid-teen-topic-addressing-shows of all-time!

Join Bobbie, Reggie, and Connie, three real kids rappin' about the real problems that they face everyday.

This classic series has been aired in over 120 countries and has won 374 Emmys for outstanding children's programming.

In 1986, Bobbie, Reggie and Connie were presented with the Nobel Peace Prize for their efforts to steer children clear of sex, drugs, and almost all other forms of entertainment.

This is truly a landmark program, and it is with great pleasure that I announce...

"Rappin' About..." is coming to "Ahhhh, Phooey!"

I Be Illin...

I apologize for not posting yesterday morning, and leaving all who were waiting on the respective edges of their seats on said edges. I fell ill, and stayed in bed for most of the day. I apologize.

Now...

The big announcement...

Our Sister Station

"Ahhhh, Phooey!" invites you to check out our sister station, "You Deserve a Puppy". Check it out at:

www.billybobthompson.blogspot.com

This site is a godsend for anyone looking for limited animation awesomeness.

Support your local filmmakers and check it often.

An Icon, Explained!

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Monday Announcement

This coming Monday, "Ahhhh, Phooey" will announce the acquisition of a classic series of comics.

We are very excited about what this welcome addition to the "Ahhhh, Phooey" canon is going to bring to our legion(s?) of fan(s?)

Excited? So are we. Impressed? Not yet, eh? Well, just you wait. Tired of reading this? Well, fuck you, I'm tired of writing this.

Stay tuned for the big announcement!

"Morgolth and Dave" - Episode 1.4

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It's Must-See-Thursday with everyone's favorite envelope-pushing monster, Morgolth, and his long-suffering buddy, Dave. What crazy adventures do they have in store this week?

Burn, baby, burn...

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The End(s?) of an Era(s?)

Today marks the end of an era in two distinct ways.

Today will be the first day I upload a cartoon onto "Ahhhh, Phooey" using my brand new, sleek and shiny black, 4 gigabyte thumb-drive. This thing is unbelievable. When I say sleek and shiny, I mean it. It looks like they used the same material that was used to make Darth Vader's helmet. It's way cool. Anyways, up until now, I was using a thumb-drive that I had borrowed from a very special person. Let's call her Caitlin E. No, that's too obvious, C. Esmond. Thanks to this dear person I have been able to upload cartoons onto this site during work hours, marking the first time I've ever been paid to do something creative (albeit not something I was hired to do.)

Indeed, today also marks the end of an era in another way. Yesterday, I was offered a full-time position at the company I have been interning at for the past few months. My feelings on the job have been sketchy up until now (see the subtitle under the blog header for a more accurate appraisal). However, when presented with the package which included a pay raise and full health benefits, I decided that it was better to suck off the hand that feeds me than to bite it. So, until I quit, I will continue to slap the shackles of corporate slavery on every morning at 9 A.M., afterwhich I will answer to "Cuffy", and do the bidding of my superiors until the time comes to leave at 5 P.M. Then, I will savor every moment until the next morning when I have to walk through those same office doors I see five times a week, and what might turn into fifty-two weeks a year...

The End of an Era! A historic day...for none.

Unfortunate Real Estate Blunders of the 21st Century

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Intelligent Designs

Here's an interesting email:

Dear Ahhhh, Phooey,

My name is Bill Sewers, and I run a moderately successful Christ-based screen-saver company. Intelligent Designs was founded in my basement in the Summer of 1998. My second wife had just left me, and I was tired of hearing about people making money on the Interweb, something I knew nothing about. The first thing I learned was that it was called the InterNET, not the Interweb. After the initial embarrassment, I got to work on programming some basic screen-saver designs. Mostly pornographic. It wasn't until after a brief incarceration for pederasty that I found Jesus. The mood of the country was shifting from one of moral indifference to one of organized outrage at the blow-job-loving fat cats in Washington. I cashed in. My screen-SAVIORS were selling like hotcakes on the eve of a big hotcake drought. Well, what goes up...

Before you dismiss this plea for publicity, let me just say this...

I know all your secrets. Remember the hotel bathroom in St. Louis? Didn't think anyone knew about that did you? So, post this video of our hottest screen-savior, or else everyone is going to know about your corn fetish.

Yours in Christ,

Bill Sewers

P.S. - Morgolth for President!

FYI

IMAGICORP is an MNC (Multi-National Conglomerate) that controls majority shareholdings in several Fortune 500 companies and media outlets.

Some of the biggest blunders in IMAGICORP history include the following:

-Dumping 4,000 tons of savagely clubbed, oil-slicked seals into a kiddie pool at a fat camp.

-Pepsi-Kona.

-One of their subsidiaries, CORNBLATT CONSTRUCTION, was contracted to build levees for the city of New Orleans.

-Mass firing of over 200,000 workers on Christmas Day. After bad publicity caused stock to plummet, Imagicorp re-hired all 200,000 workers and promoted a dying boy to Vice President. The boy died three months later with the company reporting record profits.

-Selling the Japanese directions to Pearl Harbor.

In other words, IMAGICORP is no stranger to controversy. You can read more about them, here.

Imagicorp PR Campaign Ad #1

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Wee-oooo, wee-oooo...

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Melvin #6*

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"Melvin" has a new look.

* - 50th post on AHHHH, PHOOEY!

BUY into Fear

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"Morgolth and Dave" - Episode 1.3

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Hey, kids! Check this message from TV's Morgolth:

"Always practice safe sex, children. If you know you might be eating the person/animal/donut you are engaging in intercourse with at a later date, you owe it to yourself and the person/animal/donut to always wear a condom. Or at least a plastic bag with a rubber band wrapped around it."

...and his bullets.

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"Morgolth and Dave" - Episode 1.2

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"Morgolth and Dave" - A Norman Lear Production

Happy September!

Happy September, readers.

Well, I'm back from vacation, and ready to get back into the swing of things.

Stay tuned this month for more comics, and check back in tomorrow for the new episode of everyone's favorite porn-loving monster comedy, "MORGOLTH AND DAVE"!

Here are some funny town names that my friends and I saw on our way to South Carolina:

-Backlick: Yum.
-Manassas: Double yum!
-Dumfries: Stupid potatoes.
-Falmouth: Wash it with soap!
-Little Pee Dee: Too easy.
-Godwin Falcon: Long forgotten Tolkien character.
-Zebulon: Space god?
-Fort Bragg: "Yeah, this fort is one of the most important on the Eastern seaboard. Actually, we are THE most important."
-Spotsylvania: Dog vampires?

Anyways, check back daily.

Thanks!

Deep breath!

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